Joke of the Day

[Makkurani]

A panjabi called a newspaper office & asked Mera Baap margeya hai news kai kiya charges hogai?
Newspaper: Rs 50 per word.
Panjabi: ohhhh buhat jayada hai acha likho " Shujaat Bhai Died"
Newspaper: Sir it should be minimum 6 words.
Panjabi: oh ho jara sochnay do..........
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Acha likho "Shujaat Bhai died-Suzuki for sale"

[Perozai R!nd]

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

[Makkurani]

THE BOSS


A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"


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"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

[Alhaan]

A couple of friends were flying to Rome for a holiday. An hour into the trip, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "The pilot has just informed me that we've lost an engine. There's no need for alarm, though. We have three engines left, and we'll just be an hour late."

About another hour into the flight she made another announcement. ''We've lost another engine. Don't worry. We still have two more, but we'll be another hour late.''

One guy turned to his friend and said, ''Man, if we lose the other two engines, we'll be up here all day.''

[Perozai R!nd]

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the
train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for
20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed
when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else". 

[Perozai R!nd]

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

[Hamgerench]

King of the Jungle?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

[Mir Alihan]

Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

[Mir Alihan]

"""Terminology"""

"""Important Legal Terminology"""

"""""When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney!!!!!!!""""""

[Hamgerench]

Lacking All Religion

"""A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."""

[Hamgerench]

Best Patients

"""Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."""

[Shabib]

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. 

All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. 

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And, who are you?" he asked. 

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." 

"WHAT?   Are you saying I'm dead?   I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry.   "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." 

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. 

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

 And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster. 

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said.   "How does it feel?" 

"Well, its OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

 "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.   Have you never laid an egg before??" 

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. 

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." 

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. 

"Wow"   Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
 
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you'are shitting all over the bed!"

[Shabib]

See the advantages or disadvantages of technological developments.
The multi-purpose card is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC.

With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history, driver's license, acts as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library.
A likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future... Mr. Singh the customer is ordering Pizza....
 
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your."

Customer:  "Hello, can I order."

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"
 
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 40942366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566.
Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
 
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza."
 
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
 
Customer: "How come?"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What? What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
 
Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
 
Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
 
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle."

Customer: "What!"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter, registration number E1123."
 
Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"
 
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman?"
 
Customer: [Speechless]
 
Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic."
 
Mr. Singh faints.

[Shabib]

IT IS AN OLD ONE BUT IT IS WORTH READING

CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order
what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish
you had ordered that.

CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man."

CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he
is finished.

CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's status.

CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying
for it."

CASE 6
Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in
most countries son."

CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and then it was too late."

CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and
the wife takes

CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

CASE 10
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice it."

CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day,
he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can
have mine."

CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.

CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend: "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend
asked. The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."

[Hamgerench]

Talking to God

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."